So I thought the Plan for today would be enhanced by cutting myself, eating lots of chocolate and having several shots of vodka before work. Apparently not.
Epic fail. I felt sick, silly and fat at work. I have a cut that won't close (actually, I have 2, one on each arm) and that keep getting crap stuck in them and need constant cleaning. And I'm still not ok.
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Sometimes I wonder...
Is it still worth fighting?
I got a referral for psychoanalytic psychotherapy through today and it pushed me back into a Black Dog day. I didn't exactly have a bad experience with psychoanalytic psychotherapy in the past, but I did invest four years in it and don't feel like the output's been worth it. After three hours a week for three and a half years, huge disruption to my education (possibly contributing to the fact I didn't get the result I wanted), I don't really feel like I've moved on. It's been eighteen months since my sessions ended and I'm back at square one.
I got a referral for psychoanalytic psychotherapy through today and it pushed me back into a Black Dog day. I didn't exactly have a bad experience with psychoanalytic psychotherapy in the past, but I did invest four years in it and don't feel like the output's been worth it. After three hours a week for three and a half years, huge disruption to my education (possibly contributing to the fact I didn't get the result I wanted), I don't really feel like I've moved on. It's been eighteen months since my sessions ended and I'm back at square one.
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Peaks and troughs
Peaks and troughs are normal; a regular feature of life for anyone suffering from a chronic illness. They are not unique to me, don't mark me out as special, as 'more' or 'less' ill than anyone else. But they hurt. Funnily enough, both the peaks and troughs hurt.
When I'm at a peak, I feel unstable. Maybe because I anticipate the trough? I honestly don't know. But I feel as though I don't deserve it. When I am happy, I wonder what I did to deserve to be. I very rarely get through one of these peaks without guilt. And it's the guilt that leads inevitably to a deep trough.
The troughs are different. There is still guilt. Intense, crushing guilt. The guilt this time is centred on knowing that I don't deserve to feel so bad. I'm not that ill, I know that. It's not that bad for me. But that doesn't stop the pain. It doesn't stop the crushing pain, or the dull ache in my chest. The one that makes me feel suicidal. Makes me cut my arms, collect pain killers, wonder how much vodka it would realistically take...
The funny thing is, I never go through with it. I haven't seriously attempted to kill myself since I was 22, but it still hurts. It's like an obsession, the same every time. You just think about it constantly, and one day you feel like you're not scared any more. Like you might as well try, because the worst that can happen is that you die, and it's no more unknown and scary than the reality of continuing alone in a world that doesn't want you.
When I'm at a peak, I feel unstable. Maybe because I anticipate the trough? I honestly don't know. But I feel as though I don't deserve it. When I am happy, I wonder what I did to deserve to be. I very rarely get through one of these peaks without guilt. And it's the guilt that leads inevitably to a deep trough.
The troughs are different. There is still guilt. Intense, crushing guilt. The guilt this time is centred on knowing that I don't deserve to feel so bad. I'm not that ill, I know that. It's not that bad for me. But that doesn't stop the pain. It doesn't stop the crushing pain, or the dull ache in my chest. The one that makes me feel suicidal. Makes me cut my arms, collect pain killers, wonder how much vodka it would realistically take...
The funny thing is, I never go through with it. I haven't seriously attempted to kill myself since I was 22, but it still hurts. It's like an obsession, the same every time. You just think about it constantly, and one day you feel like you're not scared any more. Like you might as well try, because the worst that can happen is that you die, and it's no more unknown and scary than the reality of continuing alone in a world that doesn't want you.
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