Peaks and troughs are normal; a regular feature of life for anyone suffering from a chronic illness. They are not unique to me, don't mark me out as special, as 'more' or 'less' ill than anyone else. But they hurt. Funnily enough, both the peaks and troughs hurt.
When I'm at a peak, I feel unstable. Maybe because I anticipate the trough? I honestly don't know. But I feel as though I don't deserve it. When I am happy, I wonder what I did to deserve to be. I very rarely get through one of these peaks without guilt. And it's the guilt that leads inevitably to a deep trough.
The troughs are different. There is still guilt. Intense, crushing guilt. The guilt this time is centred on knowing that I don't deserve to feel so bad. I'm not that ill, I know that. It's not that bad for me. But that doesn't stop the pain. It doesn't stop the crushing pain, or the dull ache in my chest. The one that makes me feel suicidal. Makes me cut my arms, collect pain killers, wonder how much vodka it would realistically take...
The funny thing is, I never go through with it. I haven't seriously attempted to kill myself since I was 22, but it still hurts. It's like an obsession, the same every time. You just think about it constantly, and one day you feel like you're not scared any more. Like you might as well try, because the worst that can happen is that you die, and it's no more unknown and scary than the reality of continuing alone in a world that doesn't want you.
No comments:
Post a Comment