The context of this post is that I read Stephen Fry's letter to himself, aged 16, in the Guardian earlier this year. It's a response to the letter he wrote at that age to his older self, published in Moab is my Washpot. The Guardian readers' responses were great, and now there has been an anthology published, Dear Me. I have tried a number of times to write this letter and here it is.
Dear Iris,
It is the end of 2009, and I am 23. That is, you are 23. For you, it is the end of 2002. I remember that as a pretty rough year. You attempted suicide 6 months ago, and it terrified you. But know that you do survive.
Oh, Iris, it's so hard to think of how miserable you are right now. The end of your first term of 6th form and you're hurting over the prefect elections, you think you'll never be able to be comfortable with your sexuality, and you cry yourself to sleep. You're not alone, you are struggling right now because you don't know other gay teenagers. I'm so sorry you can't, but I can't help you with that. I know that you're confused because you thought your depression was behind you; I remember the red leather diary in which you wrote that it was a clean start away from depression. Well, I want to be honest with you. Depression, for you, is part of your life. After years of thinking it'll get better with every passing year you will eventually realise that no amount of landmarks (starting uni, turning 21, having a relationship, graduating...) will cure you. You just need to learn to cope.
And Iris, please find another way to cope. Listen to all the people who tell you how much you will regret the scars, please try to stop cutting yourself. We both know it does nothing for you, and if you don't stop now it'll be almost impossible. If you can find it in you, when you do manage to stop in a few months, please don't start making yourself sick. You don't know what it will do to yourself - not to mention the people you care about - to support you through years of self-harm and bulimia. Try talking to your therapist (I know you think she's useless, but she's your support right now) about the fact you comfort-eat. You know it's a form of disordered eating, give other people the credit that they will believe you.
There is so much joy and fun ahead of you. I know you can't see it, and it sounds like I'm just trotting out the same tired clichés as everyone else, but that's because everyone else is very wise!
When you get to university, you will find your niche. You're going to have so much fun meeting new people and revelling in the joy of genuine friendship. You will find a church that accepts you, you won't compromise your faith. When you find that church it will change your life.
I want to tell you to stay away from the people that will break your heart - some friends, some lovers or potential lovers - but I can't. The fact is, those people facilitated the transition from you to me. I am a stronger person than you are because I have learned how to survive hurt. But you know what, Iris? You're pretty strong right now.
One more thing, your friendships won't last forever. That's not your fault. But do me a favour? If you think someone is a bit of a bastard who lets people down, then remember that when they let you down. Remember that it's not about you, whatever you may think. Don't let other people dictate your worth, know that you are a child of God.
I don't want to say too much, but I hope these words have brought you some comfort. You do survive, and you will do well.
God bless you, sweetheart. Look after yourself.
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