Here's 10p, call someone who cares...

Sometimes that's how it feels when people ask if you're ok and then say, "Oh. Well, you'll be ok. I guess if it gets too much you can call someone." You can just hear the unspoken end of the sentence "...else."

And what is all that, "if you feel suicidal, you can call the crisis team or go to A&E or whatever..." Yes, because showing up at A&E and telling them that you sort of maybe thought about taking an overdose and feel quite constantly like I want to die. Especially when I was ok last week. I'd either be laughed out of the place or committed. I don't know which scares me more.

How to lose friends and alienate people

The person in the world I feel closest to, other than Girlie, is The Boy. He's my best friend, and he's been so constant, such a support, and I'm going to lose him.

I've felt it for a while, but today it's been so clear. He can't keep having to pick me up when I crumble. And I crumble so easily ever since The A&E Incident. Today, he clearly didn't want to talk to me.

Then, I felt better after an appointment with the crisis team, so I worked really hard to get dressed up so I wouldn't disappoint by not showing up to some drinks he'd organised. But after I spent an hour psyching myself up to get out and putting my face and my clothes on but he didn't tell me where they were. I forced myself out to meet other people, after an hour of not getting hold of him, I had a panic attack half way to the bus stop...

So here I am. Friday night on my own. All dressed up, somewhere to go, and no way to get there.

I really hope I don't lose him.

Tonight I wrote my suicide note

Sort of. More of a post-suicide note. Not an explanation, more a 'just in case'. After last time, when I was so impulsive that the thought of a note just didn't occus, I want to leave something.

It's like a codicil, and an auto-eulogy. That is, the things I wish I could say and ask people to remember, as well as my favourite hymns, poems and Bible verses. It's so weird to see your life through your possessions, and although I'm an obsessive hoarder it seems I don't have enough things to give everyone something pertinent. But whatever happens, I hope it would all be used wisely. I just want Li'l Sis, Girlie, The Ex and The Boy to have the things that matter to me, as well as Mum and Dad.

I would miss everyone, of course, but right now it feels like my time here is coming to an end. It feels like time to say goodbye and tie up my loose ends.