Dreading going to work

I haven't dreaded work ever before; it's a new thing for me. I used to dread going to school so I remember the feelings. I used to get so worked up that mum would assume I was ill and keep me home, which at least kept it at bay for a couple of days. But I can't phone in sick today, I've been in a new job (at the same workplace) for less than a week. I can't afford to lose face.

But the truth is I'm not enjoying it any more. My role is to keep the displays neat, but there's so much time between my shifts (I only work 6 hours a day, not always when we're open, and the shop is open for 10.5 hours) that it's always a mess by the time I get back. I know I'm not the only one feeling the pressure but I get a lot of the heat from the shop manager, who expects me to have instant knowledge of the new department and new role and I'm finding it too hard. Not to mention that I'm working with people I hardly know. One of my new colleagues, in particular, is very difficult. She frequently follows me around (when the shop manager is having a go at someone else for once) and tells me the displays look "shit" or rebuilds something I spent hours on just as soon as my back is turned. Already I've spent more time than I should crying in the back room, I can't go on like this.

Trying to hold off the feelings

It's probably not the case, but it feels like my mood swings are getting worse. And they seem so much less justified than even a few days ago. I'm so confused. I'm losing some of my hours at work; I know that. I don't know how many yet and I don't know how I'll survive the pay cut. But then I got accepted to a good university for a good postgraduate course (which I'm not sure how to fund) and I'm trying to make that mean I have something to live for.

But the truth is that none of that matters when the aching starts. When there's that horrible empty pressure in my throat and my chest. When I end up sat at home writing lists of what I want people to know, to do, to have, if I don't get through it this time. Because it doesn't feel like I'm in control here. I try to be. I try so very hard to be. But I don't know how to beat it except by playing along. Lucid Iris, conscious Iris, smart Iris wants to see her friends again. But then there's this 'other me' that gets overpowering. And it gets to the point where I start to think that, actually, it's not like they don't have other friends. My Girl would find another girlfriend, The Boy has all his university friends and my family don't need this shit anyway. And what's the point of a place at university if I can't fund it?

And that's how the compromises start. How I end up taking risks or making plans. I tell myself I'll stave it off but 'just in case', I'll write a note or itemise my possessions. Or maybe I'll get as far as counting out my tri-cyclics, painkillers and other medications. Maybe I'll 'just' calculate the dosage of this or that I would need for my body weight. Maybe I'll 'just' try to strangle myself, or cut slightly closer to a visible blood vessel this time.

Maybe one day I'll go too far. That scares me, and right now I'm glad it does.