Call someone who cares

So I called the Crisis Team last night. I didn't know what else to do, I was trying to keep myself safe. Turns out, even though my GP gave me the number, I'm actually not entitled to call them. It's not a self- or GP-referral service and because I'm not under the care of the CMHT (see many other frustrated posts) I'm not entitled to crisis support.

Another frustrating week

I've been incommunicado for a while; my course takes up a lot of time and my poor attention span means that I spend longer on my work than most for less achievement. My exams are coming up in 2 weeks and I'm dreading them.

People have been moving out of my college bit by bit as their courses finished, so now I'm pretty much on my own. The few people I felt close too have gone and it's really quiet; no chance to see people at meal times or 4 o'clock afternoon tea. It is perhaps inevitable that I've been feeling a lot lower than I would consider normal lately (my GP certainly thinks so), but even so things have been pretty bad. I don't want to go into details about how but I've been finding more dangerous ways to self-harm and been feeling suicidal.

So my GP wrote to the CMHT asking for me to see a psychiatrist before Monday (so she told me), but I ended up seeing a social worker and a CPN. Both of them were perfectly nice, but since I'm moving in two weeks there's nothing they can do. I assume that's why my GP wanted me to see a psychiatrist; she was asking for an assessment not a meeting.

sigh


I do sound hideously ungrateful sometimes, I know I do. But I have support from a university psychologist (officially to keep me on track with my studies but actually he more-or-less fills the same role my social worker did in London) so I don't want or need to see a CPN / social worker regularly at the moment. If I'd known that was what the appointment was, I wouldn't have wasted their time. I actually cancelled a standing appointment at uni for it, because I promised my GP I would attend the appointment if they offered one.

All anyone can say to me at the moment is, "Call the crisis team". Whilst that might sound simple enough, it creates huge tension. My last interaction with a crisis team (back in Dec/Jan) was very much a failure and besides I'm not good on the phone. I'm too nervous to call them. I don't have anyone here I can call to just spend time with.

I guess that's my problem, not theirs.