Some struggles

I perhaps over-use the word 'struggle' but most of the time that's how it feels. An up-hill-struggle from the moment I get out of bed in the morning. I do manage to do that - I make it to prayer nine out of ten weekdays at 7:30 - and I work my hardest to seem functional. As far as I know, none of the other students have any idea what goes on in my head, and although I haven't managed to control the self-harm in any meaningful way, I have hidden it from them.

The only problem has been the cleaning staff coming into my room. I suppose I didn't expect them to take any notice of my rubbish or whatever, but I must have done something to make it obvious because they took it to my tutor, who came to me.

I'm still reeling, feel like a teenager. It's been years since someone came to me and asked. And I feel terrible about it, but I think it keeps me safe in a funny sort of way and I need that right now.

Change of scene

Student at my university in academic dress (from Wikimedia)

I've moved from London to start a course at one of England's ancient universities. It's quite a change for me from being at one of the largest colleges of the University of London for several years. My college is really small, I think I have met all the students studying here over the last week, which is quite nice. Everyone seems to have a certain pride in the college as well as the university, and that is contagious.

One of the really interesting things for me is that the day is structured around a program of daily prayer and worship. If I want to, I can get up at 6:30 for meditation at 7, followed by Morning Prayer and Mass. I do have a faith, although it is pushed to the limit sometimes by the things that go on in my mind, and I am hoping that this structure will help me keep on top of things. It should help me to focus my mind on what really matters, as well as getting me up in the morning.

Having said that, I made the mistake of going to Mass this morning even though I wasn't feeling very well, and felt like a bit of an idiot because I sobbed my way through most of the service. It's somehow OK to do that at my home church, but I was very self-conscious today. Aside from the new environment and new people - none of whom know about the state of my mental health - the pews are arranged facing across the nave so that you feel like you're on display.

So there are some challenges coming up. As well as the course, I have to try to stay well enough to stay here and complete. The course is entirely assessed by exams, and I am a terrible exam candidate, so I have two terms to get over my nerves in that department, too. Then there is the fact that I am under a new PCT*, who can't offer me the care I had in London. After the struggle I had to go to just to see someone at my local mental health team regularly, it feels like it's going to be quite hard work for a bit. Whether I stay well enough to complete is, therefore, still anyone's guess. Wish me luck!

*Primary Care Trust, the regional NHS