I've been feeling suicidal today. I feel like this every now and again and I want to try and articulate it whilst I'm feeling it because after the event I very rarely can.

It sweeps over me every now and again in the way a physical pain can come on. The smallest thing can spark it, and it's usually something relating to one of my friends or family. Usually, some kind of let down. I don't explain to people how bad these things make me feel, because my reaction is disproportionate. I know that. I'm coming down from the worst of the feelings now so I can see that what happened this morning shouldn't have brought me as low as it did. But that isn't the point.

All that happened was that someone who I have considered to be one of my closest friends decided not to come to my birthday party and I think her excuse was a little lame. So I got pretty angry and (I do regret this) told her that things have gotten pretty bad lately. We had a bit of a row, and as far as I'm concerned I'm not going to get close enough to her for this to happen again. This is probably the end of a good, supportive, fun friendship and that hurts.

As it happens, I think I'm very lucky that this all took place on the way to a lecture. For the next 3 hours there was nothing I could do but think about theology and I was able to focus enough that when I got back to my room (15 minutes ago) I felt better. Not ok, but better.

There's always a cycle to my emotions in this situation. When it happened today it went like this:

• I felt terrible. Sick to my stomach and my chest contracted so it felt like I couldn't breathe. All I could do was cry. I honestly couldn't think of a good enough reason not to kill myself and I started to make a plan. 
• I got distracted by arriving at my lecture, and went in on autopilot.
• By the time I got my own space back after the lecture, I had calmed down but, as I often do in these situations, I don't feel good I just feel nothing.

So that's how I am at the moment.  I don't feel ok, exactly, but I couldn't honestly describe what I'm feeling as bad either. I can dispassionately consider my reaction this morning as an overreaction but I don't regret it. I still feel inclined to follow through on my plan but I can't find the energy necessary.

If things go as they ordinarily do, this will go one of two ways. Either:

1. I will gradually begin to feel better, particularly if I find someone to spend time with or talk to.

2. Something will happen to knock me back down and either the cycle will start again or I'll end it by trying to kill myself.

Here's what spooks me when I'm feeling rational and calm. I can't honestly say that I would go to hospital if I attempted suicide here. I'm in a city that I still don't know well. I don't know where the hospital is, much less how to get there. And I'm far too anxious about calling people or causing a fuss to either call an ambulance or ask someone to go with me.